the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
