i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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