Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
