smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
