and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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