I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
