i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize