new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he laminated a picture of his dick.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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