My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
