If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
