I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
