My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
