You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
