Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Operation Purity has been aborted
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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