dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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