feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
