i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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