Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
