someone get that fucking seahorse.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you didnt know i had herpes?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
