Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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