nut hugger
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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