I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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