I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
