Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
