Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
