I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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