69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
