literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We just shotgunned beers for America
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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