I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
