I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
