3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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