That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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