Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
