I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
