Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
