im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize