I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
