I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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