So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
