oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
