ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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