Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
