He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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