Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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