My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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