Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize