dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
