Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
