i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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