I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
