Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
