Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
