Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
