Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
