You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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