based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
