I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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