I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
