Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
