ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
