you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
