i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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