I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
pray to the hookup gods
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
