Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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