Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
