my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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