I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
