I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
