Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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